Honestly what goes on in my head scares me sometimes. It would terrify most folks but I have gotten accustomed to it. When the darkness comes upon me the rage begins to boil. I never know what may happen. I fight my compulsion every day but now those compulsions are much darker, more dangerous, more disturbing and way more intense. I do not know why it has gotten this way. Most of the time I am a pretty happy go lucky kind of guy. Until this shit happens.
When it starts rolling across my brain it is like the lunatic I keep locked up in my mind starts to gain a little freedom. He is still caged but the ranting become louder. I don’t think of hurting myself, although death is not a concern. I would not harm myself but I can’t say I would get out of the way of a fast moving train.
I do not think I would ever hurt anyone else but damn the urge to lash out is in me and trying to get out. Just looking for someone to push the right button and God only knows what might happen. I don’t understand what goes on in my own head.
My God what have I done…