Ever sit and wonder?
I know you do, if you didn’t you would not be reading this.
I like to sit and think, I think about stories, issues, earth, God, space, whatever. Sometimes the ADHD is awesome. We can scatter our minds to encompass the whole of space and time or we can become obsessively focused on one speck.
I was asked once how I have lived with ADHD and no meds for so long. I replied “how have you lived without it.”
Being ADHD and a little dyslexic has made many things in my life tougher. Especially since when I was a kid in school they just had me in special classes. Nobody really knew what was going on with me, other than I was not like everyone else. I did not fit the mold of what the school thought I should be.
I was held back in third grade, which was something that haunted me for a long time. I had failed. I was not good enough to move on. There are a lot of reasons why I was held back, lots of things I can say to justify it. But the bottom line was, and is, I failed.
Through High School I was just the big goof ball. Didn’t care about school, skated by however I could. I was just bored as hell, unless I decided to liven things up. Somehow that never really did much for the teachers.
I would wait until the end of a quarter and do all my assignments in the last week or so for partial credit. Only ever doing enough to pass, My folks would tell me to try harder, my teachers would tell me if I just did the work when they wanted it I would be a B student possibly even A. But it did not matter how hard I tried or how often I tried to do things their way. It just didn’t work
Sometimes, then and now, it is like having a wall built inside my head. I can’t get around it or through it to make things work. In learning about ADHD I have heard others talk about the same feeling. When I first started learning about ADHD I was just thrilled to know that there where others like me. I had struggled with this for so long, just thinking there was something wrong with me and no one else could understand.
Knowing you are not alone helps. It does not cure or even make day to day stuff any easier, but it is nice to know others can at least understand.
I also suffer from depression; something that I have learned can go hand in glove with ADHD. When I was a young man in the Army there were times it would get so bad I would cut myself just so I could feel something. It was like there was nothing inside me, no point to anything, until I would take the razor across my fore arms to bring the joy of the sting. That small simple act would help bring me feeling sharp and burning though it was it was so much better than nothing. Again at that time I did not know what it was. Nobody had seen the after school specials about cutting and the Army was not real big on giving a shit about stuff like that. So I learned to deal with it, I thought.
I struggled with both issues throughout my life. I forced myself to go to school. I knew I needed to prove I could do whatever I set my mind to. So I got a Bachelors’ degree and then I got a Master’s degree. All the time working full time, going to school and trying to be a good husband and father. I was not always successful, but I was not always a failure either. I have been a boss I have been a worker. I have had huge responsibilities for people’s well-being. I have had a mixed bag of being a success and a failure. All in all I guess I really can’t bitch much. Other than pain from injuries while in the army and the wear and tear a body goes through when inhabited by someone who often times for gets he is no longer eighteen, or even twenty-eight, my life has been pretty good.
I have been able to hang out with some amazing people and even get to call some friend. I have found things I truly enjoy doing like writing (although I do not do it near enough) and preaching (which some say I do way too much of) and learning (multiple subjects, ADHD remember).
As a father I have done ok I have two daughters who are the world to me. They are amazing and we have been blessed in the fact that because I had to learn about my own ADHD the hard way I have been able to help and understand their needs as children with ADHD. Both girls are doing well in school and in life, so far anyway.
As a husband, well it’s been twenty six years and we have stayed together and not tried to kill each other (well not very hard any way) and we still love each other. We have our moments, we have our issues, but most of all we have each other.
As a business man, yeah I am not so great, as a writer again not so great. Worst part there is I have a hell of a time sticking to the point (as you may have noticed since I do not even know what the point of this is). I have created so many characters and stories in my head but before I can get them out of my head the story is done and I have moved on to something else. I would like to finish one book (writing not reading) before I die. Don’t really even care if it gets published I just want to get one out of my head.
Well I guess the point of this meandering little tale is that I promised myself I would write and post something today. I intend to get to where I write every day. It’s a goal.
Well if you made it this far you now know more about me than you probably ever wanted to and you are trying to figure out why the hell you are still working through this rambling post. Well good news, I am done and now so are you.
Have a great day and thanks for reading.